


you wonder

by ApatheticRobots



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Ignores Predacons Rising, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, POV Second Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27208237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApatheticRobots/pseuds/ApatheticRobots
Summary: You wonder what made you so special.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	you wonder

**Author's Note:**

> here we go i wrote this in an hour after just waking up so ignore any issues. i think i jump tenses a lot but i cant be bothered to reread and fix it.
> 
> as per usual ive not read the aligned universe books or consumed any Other content and i dont plan to so dont @ me for any inaccuracies. any backstory mentioned is a mix of G1 and the canon ive built for tfp because Fuck The Aligned Verse lol

You have to wonder, sometimes.

The thought has crossed your mind too many times to just forget about it entirely. You think about it often, especially now, at the end of it all. Hiding and cowering and unsure if you'll make it to the next day alive. Well-- you suppose you've never been sure, really, but these days it's even more of a coin toss.

Not that you have coins to toss. Primus, you spent far too long on that pit-forsaken organic planet.

Anyways, you wonder. Why you? What makes you so special? Why did everyone else get off easy while  _ you _ had to suffer?

You know you're not a good person. You don't try to pretend you are (unlike  _ some _ mechs), nor do you try to make excuses for your actions. You weren't entirely a victim of circumstance. You weren't just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe that was how it started, but you  _ chose _ to keep going, even when you had an out. Even when you had a chance to leave, you stayed. 

Out of some misplaced loyalty? Out of some subconscious knowledge that you had nowhere else to go? Out of some kind of fear that against all odds  _ he _ would find you again?

You can't be sure.

But you stayed, and now you're paying for it, and you have to wonder  _ why. _

It's not like you're the only mech who's killed someone. It's not like you're the only mech who's left a comrade for dead. Tried to commit treason. Tortured people. You've all done horrible things in his name and the name of war. (Which, could be argued, were the very same thing.) So you just don't get it.

He never raised a hand against anybody else. Sure, he'd slams doors or kick tables to make them afraid, because without fear he didn't really have anything to control his subordinates with, but never  _ against _ them. He never grabbed them by the kibble and hurled them across the room. Never attacked them until they needed extensive repairs. Never sent them to the medbay  _ twice _ in a day. Even ones who failed him (because you weren't the only one who did that either) got off with some yelling and maybe a demotion. Everyone except for  _ you. _

So what made you worth it? Why did he keep  _ you _ around, even after you failed to meet his expectations so many times? Did he find it fun? Was it his own little form of therapy? Was it him showing he  _ cared? _

Scratch that last one, actually. Even if you'd believed it at one point, you weren't dumb enough to still believe it. Not anymore. Not after everything.

(Not after everything  _ he's done to you, _ your mind amended.)

You almost wish you knew. That you were able to, for once, actually get into his processor and see just what the hell was going on in his mind. Tear his thought process to shreds and try to find some reasoning, some justification,  _ anything _ that might tell you why he did what he did. Sit him down and have an honest discussion between the two of you for once in your collective lives and just ask him  _ why. _

Which probably isn't a healthy way to think. But whatever, you're so far past healthy at this point you just really can't be bothered. It's too much work to try and be better.

Especially when there's hardly any point to it.

Considering the  _ what ifs _ is also probably not very healthy, but you've got a stunning lack of things to do these days besides sit around and contemplate your own existence, so you'll just go down the checklist of possible things to think about. Like hey, what if you'd joined the other side instead?

It's pointless to think about, because it's millions of years later and you know you'd never have genuinely sided with them, not in a million years. Not after the things they'd done. (Not after Skywarp and Thundercracker.) But again-- you don't really have much else to do.

So  _ what if? _

Well, if you'd joined early on, you'd almost certainly have ended up in a high ranking position, if only due to the novelty of being a flier. You wouldn't have had much of an army to command, but they would've had a hard time commanding  _ you _ . If you really wanted to get away at any point you could just fly to the top of a tall building and sulk. They'd never have been able to get to you. Not unless they called the other side,  _ hey can we borrow a flier? Ours has seated himself on a skyscraper and refuses to come down. _ Which is an amusing image but completely impossible, because both sides are too stupid to know when they maybe needed to cooperate. 

They really took this whole thing too seriously. It was just a planet.

If you'd joined later, maybe after your trine and died and he did nothing and told you to stop grieving and get over yourself, things would've been a little different. You were in a pretty dark place then. Didn't have much left to lose. (You briefly change lanes and wonder if that's about when you started plotting his death every other day, then get back on track when your memory proves inconclusive.) You'd have joined and done whatever they asked, killed who they asked you to, if only to try and make him feel something. Similar to how you'd felt. Then again, he didn't really seem to care about anyone. Not like you did. Even when it was against your better judgement.

You wonder if he knew. Just how much you cared, in general but also specifically about him. You wonder if he died thinking you hated him, if he died thinking that you had hated him the whole time. You wonder if he ever realized just how much you'd have done, how far you'd have fallen for his approval.

You wonder if he realized it and then realized when he lost that devotion. 

What if you'd joined them on Earth? Been serious about your desire to switch sides, not just using it as a ploy to not get killed? Would they ever have really accepted you? After everything you'd done? After Cliffjumper?

(They accepted the  _ medic,  _ you couldn't help but think, a little bitterly. But he was a different story. First of all, they were short on medical professionals. Second, Knockout had never really been a Decepticon, certainly not as much as you. He'd never even taken an emblem.) 

Probably not. Even in this fantasy world of what-if, you couldn't imagine ever swapping sides and being accepted for it.

He'd never have let it happen. Not without a fight. Greedy aft.

Why not?

Why  _ you? _

What was so different about  _ you _ that made you so deserving of every punishment the universe dealt upon you? Why did karma have it out for you specifically? Others on your side have suffered too, of course. Dreadwing came to mind especially. But none so much as  _ you. _

Why were  _ you _ the universe's punching bag?

You were just a soldier, at your core. The Second in Command. And yet the one in charge got off easier than you. His most trusted advisor (who certainly wasn't you, despite your title) got off easier. You were pretty sure Soundwave wasn't even dead.

And yet unlike the rest, who suffered but did so simply and generally, you were the one who got a targeted punishment for every little misdemeanor you committed. Out of an army, only  _ you. _

You wish life was fair for once. You wish karma paid its dues without discretion. You wish other people who'd performed acts just as terrible had gotten as much punishment as you. Or, you amend with a slightly ill feeling, you'd gotten punished a little less. Because as much as you hate the general rest of your people, allied or not, you don't really wish what you'd gone through on anyone else.

Except Megatron, maybe. Give him a taste of his own medicine. 

But no. You continue to suffer, and he had the gall to go and get off easy. Sure, he died, but that just meant he didn't have to face the consequences of his actions.

Actually, knowing Prime, he'd have probably just pardoned the warlord anyways. Useless, the lot of them.

While you're wasting time on wishes, you kind of wish you had your trine back. If only to have someone to complain to who wouldn't just outright ignore you or try to kill you. They probably wouldn't have put too much stock in what you were saying, of course, but they'd have at least listened. And even if they thought you were just being dramatic they'd have still offered comfort, because they cared.  _ Really _ cared. In a good way.  _ They _ , at least, had never hurt you.

Not directly, anyways. Losing them hurt a lot. But that wasn't their fault.

No. As with most of the things that went wrong in your life, it was a mix of being your fault and Megatron's.

There's one thing, at least, that you can take no responsibility for. That no matter how much is pinned on you, you can be sure that this, at least, was in no way your fault.

Whatever you've done. Whoever you've killed. At least _you_ didn't start a war.

That was all on  _ him. _

**Author's Note:**

> sorry is it obvious that im a starscream stannie. no i dont think he was a good person but also no i dont think he deserved what the writing did to him <3


End file.
